When you feel like crashing down.. Your legs dont work like they used to. Shaking, crying, on the cold snowy ground. Alone. You breath is short and your mouth dry. You cant breathe. You kneel down, you feel the cold snow on your knees... You just don't care. Freezing, a teardrop turns to ice on the ground, you whipe your cheeks and smile when someone walks to you and asks whats wrong.
Smile on your face you stand up, say nothing and walk away. The second when you turn away, tears burst and you lose your mind. Walk, run, sprint. Open locked door, fall apart and fell to the floor..
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| Aki Rantala |
Im miserable. I feel alone. Again with the betrayal in my mind. It's all just in my head. To no one out there, save me. I beg on my knees. He didn't care. I left crying, told im anxious and maybe going home. I waited for a message or something.. Nothing in hours. I was allright. I was with a friend. But still feeling blue and so stupid. Bar closed about an hour ago. nothing yet. I called. He sais he was coming at 3am to my place. It was 2:54. I called. No answer. He called soon back. I answered with anger and asked were he was.
We went there with my friend. Still quite nothing. I was pissed and about to explode. I had one drink. Said i needed to go home. He said ''I'll be here 10mins tops then i'll come too. I promise.''
I left knowing he would'nt come. I walked down the alley to home. Someone followed me.
My heart was beating, i started walking faster. Tears fell down my face. It was cold outside. Dark person yelled and whisled. I just walked, faster and faster. He ran and grabbed my arm. I pushed him away
''What the fuck!?''
He pulled my hair, threw me on the ground, i kicked him, he fell down weeping but still grabbed my lef, trying to gd up i yelled and in panic i was just trying to get up. He got on top of me, i punched him in the face and pushed him back. Crawling i got away and got up fast, started running. In panic searched my home keys and got inside the hallway. Ran to the elevator and when i was home i fell to the floor crying. Shaking. Panicing.
Time flew by. When i tried to stop crying i wiped my tears and watched my phone. It was almost an hour after i lef the bar. The bar was just about to close. He was nowhere. I waited little longer, stand up and took my jacket off. I realised my skirt was ripped. Holes in my stockings. I fell down again.
I called him. With his drunk voice he answered with a smile on his face i bet.
''Well hello mister 10minutes turned to hour and a half. Where the FUCK are you!?''
''Well i thought i will bring you some food''
''Don't bother. i dont fucking care anymore. good bye...!!''
I hanged up. Bursted into tears again. He was trying to say something. I didn't care. I was pissed, afraid, hurt, cold.. I had little panic attack, i went to bed after a few minutes of calming down. When i lied on the bed he came. Not saying a word. Came next to me on my bed. I jumped up and went to lie on the sofa. I wanted him gone. I didn't want to see his ''sorry ass face all drunk up ans stuff''. I bet he doesn't ven know what he does to me. Lying and always being late. I don't need that. I just wanted to be alone.
Not really..
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| Aki Rantala |
Im blacked out for most of this but i remember he saying he's sorry and putting the 'blame' on his friend who was scared. I know, friends befor hoes. I dont care. But he promised the ten minutes. I was not really suprised that he lied and was ''littlebit'' late. Almost two hours, no make it two fucking hours. He was explaining i jumped off the sofa and as i was walking to bedroom i said i was about to get raped bc you didn't come with me when i asked. I needed him. I really, really needed him. He doesn't just get it or doesn't even care.
Guess what. I think im going to grow my heartless side and not care about him then. But really i don't know how to. I can't. Im really sensitive and fragile. Im just so lost.
Im crying, i don't even see the laptop screen so well while im riting this down now. And he's not here. He just left. I thought he would come again just for a littlebit but he calls he's driving away. Asking me if i was allright. ''Im okay'' Not reallt. You could hear it in my voice. He just smiles and says bye.
Well byebye... Go ahead. I care too fucking much and that's why im fucking feeling like shit. But i don't want to care.. I cant do this anymore. I don't want to be alone when i really REALLY need you. You just don't... Don't... Nothing...
